A room within
I move from one desk to another. I sit in front of yet another temporary desk and think of all the desks I have sat in front of so far. My first desk comes to mind. It was a second hand desk bought by my father from an antique shop in Calcutta, India. I still remember that antique shop. To the 10 year old me the hall appeared big. It must have had a musty smell of old, aging, vintage and antique pieces of furniture- I do not recall this but can only imagine.
A cottage with thatched roof in a mango orchard that has beautiful upcycled antique furniture collected and restored by the farm owner is my room for the moment. My huge dark brown desk is right in front of a window. And on this desk I work on my PhD research work. My research work has seen so many breaks. I keep running away and coming back.
Last year during the pandemic I found an anchor in fermentation. In those moments of uncertainty and feeling stuck at home, watching things ferment and transform in a jar gave me hope and joy. From then on I cooked, fermented, learned some recipes from mom and documented it on Instagram. I left my research work hanging in mid air. My involvement in food on the other hand led me to come and cook for pottery students at my sister’s pottery studio in this mango orchard. It is located in a small village in South India where she and her partner live together. When the new COVID wave hit India this April I stayed back. And moved to this cottage on their property. The sounds of birds, insects, trees and leaves reduced the noise in my head. I missed research work when I looked at the desk and the window. And so I paused.
It’s mango season right now. Mangoes hanging all over the orchard look like stars on a clear night sky. My sister’s partner has been taking care of these old mango trees for a few years now. I make all sorts of ferments with mangoes- hot sauces, chutneys and vinegar now and then and then come back to my desk to work on my research.
I read autobiographical works by women and sometimes I find myself searching for mine in theirs. The researcher in me has to remind me to step back. From the window I see mango trees and often while working I get distracted by the sight of monkeys hanging around, plucking mangoes, fighting and playing. I feel like a hidden camera they do not know off. And at 10 am in the morning a ray of sunlight falls on my table through a glass tile on the roof.
So much has fermented and brewed for me in this space and still is. I pause to feel the feeling of wanting to belong. Will a room and a desk give me that? I will soon leave and move to a new place in the city, to yet another desk and build a space to become what I am becoming. But during that short phase of being in transit- that space-less desk-less phase- I will rely on a room holding that desk within.
Anshita Dawar is in the process of completing my PhD in the Centre of German Studies, Jawaharlal Nehru University, Delhi, India on Life writings by women in German 1900-1945.
Instagram: @anshita_dawar